I had an epiphany (big word, I know, but it’s a big realization) today.
I am not in a competition.
Everybody just does the best they can.
There is no win and loose.
I never used to be competitive, I still do not think I really am. I back down very quickly but silently I am plotting a way to come first. Terrible, but truthful. When I raced ‘competitively’ (although those who I trained with would probably not call it competitive becuase I never pushed myself hard enough (apparently)), but if my opponent came past me I would cheerfully say hi and give them a sip of my juice if they asked (Jeremy says he thinks I would have tainted to the juice first). I did not have that ‘fighter’ and ‘win-at-all-cost’ attitude. However, I never wanted to loose. I always wanted to win and I grew to be competitive. I learnt to race to win. Now that I am no longer racing I have turned what I do into a race. I want to be the first, the best and be better all the time.
I am always comparing and am not good at taking compliments becuase in my eyes, it is/I am still not worthy of it. In my eyes what I do is never good enough becuase it is not the best – but says who? And why I should I be compared or comparing. I shouldn’t becuase we all just do our best. That is all there is to that. We all try, we all do our best and we all are the best in our own capabilities. There is no win and lose, there is just to play. To play for fun. Just like school kids on the playground. They do not play to win but just becuase they have fun. I want to be a school kid again playing. 
